apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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