Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
