Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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