Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
