One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
