pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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