the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
