I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
