With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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