I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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