I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
