Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
