...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
