My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Semen is not good for contacts.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
