someone threw a dead crab at me
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
