this beer tastes like vomit already
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
