By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
