she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
