Me. At least after what I've been through.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
