Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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