There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
