hell yes lets make some ravioli
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
