You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
