what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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