I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
