I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
