What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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