there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Randomize
