I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i think my mom watched the whole time
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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