I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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