anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
