Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
