You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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