im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
