I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
