...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
