Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
