If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
God, I missed his penis.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
