The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
