My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
