Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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