I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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