Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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