I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
