Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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