Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
