the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
