I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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