he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
