oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
